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Pedal Backwards

2010-10-03T17:57:00.001-07:00

It's been a whirlwind.
The can't catch my breath type.

I drink probably more coffee than I should.
I sleep less hours than I need.
I sleep at the wrong times for the right amount.

Oh, it's silly. Stumbling back to the US, trying to get it together.
When I'm really not all that put together to begin with.
As in, mind state, heart capacity, and willpower.

Finally starting work, but having so much to still do.
Finally unpacked, but moving to another room.
Finally getting the hang of what love is.

And then realizing there is no God to my days, and that is possibly the best reason for why everything is so hard and I am overwhelmed.

Sometimes I feel as if I am too proud to ask for God's help.
Sometimes it's a feeling of unworthiness to ask God for help in the simplest of things.

Going Home

2010-09-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

Earlier this month, I flew to Hong Kong with my family to attend my grandfather's funeral. He was 97 years old, which is pretty amazing if you think about it. Think about all the experiences and things he had seen, the history he witnessed and was possibly a part of. He made a big impact in people's lives. I know because of the guests who came to see him off. The principal of the school he used to teach at, his former students (now 50 and 60), and church members.

I learned a lot about my family when I went back this time. It was the sweet to the bittersweet of the trip. I learned about my parents when they were younger, and about my grandparents. Not all were good things, but I listened and absorbed.

I've always respected my parents for who they are and how far they've come. I enjoyed listening to my parent's siblings talk about my parents when they were younger. Things I didn't know. Things I couldn't help but ask them to tell me more. And after all those childhood stories, and visiting the places where they grew up, the parks they played in, the restaurants and people they remembered on those streets, I had a newfound respect and interest in my parents: as humans, not just as my parents.

Ann

Out of Town, On the Town.

2010-09-03T10:21:00.001-07:00

I will be traveling starting tomorrow until Sept 20 in Hong Kong, Macau, and Osaka, Japan! Well first and foremost personal/family business, but I don't want to dwell on that. Focus on the positive and have respect for the situation is what is called for. Can do.

I may or may not be able to write on any of my blogs, but I will try my best. I'm living in a hostel this time instead of a hotel, but I am pretty sure I have wifi. I just don't know if I'll have time to blog before conking out from fatigue!

Dying to Live

2010-09-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
—
Mae West

I think in a sense, we are all dying to live.
This life ain't good enough.

New Projects

2010-08-26T18:52:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to start a photography blog sometime in the near future. {Here}
In the meantime, you might enjoy my occasional posted art blog. {There}

Signing out. {Everywhere}
Ann

If your heart was a house, you'd be home.

2010-08-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

There is a point in every child's life where the house they grew up in starts to become just a house, not a home. I've realized in the past year, I've started not knowing where things are in my home. I've even said unknowingly, "I don't know.. I don't live here." Which is true in all senses, I don't anymore.. at least not for the past 5 years. My room has become a storage room for old school work and textbooks, and part time workout room for my family, I think.

I wouldn't say I'm fully to the point that my childhood house is becoming just a house with memories, but I feel like I'm getting there. And it makes me sad.. I didn't even see the change. It just happened. I just woke up and felt this sense of "I'm going home to visit my family, but my life is here now."

In college, you find yourself (well, some don't, but I surely did) and you learn your personal habits. No, not the ones where your parents nag at you to do chores. You learn about your habits outside of parental influence, and when you go home, sometimes it's different. You're raised a certain way, but that doesn't mean it sticks. In my apartment, I do things one way. When I'm back home, I know I have to do things another way. That's possibly why it's so difficult for some to move back home and live with their parents.

I know that eventually, we have to move on and grow up.
It's possibly one of the biggest indicators of true independence.
I'm just not sure I'm ready to leave the comfort of the flock.

Despite this, I know I'll keep growing up.
But I take comfort in knowing
that I will always be someone's child.

I hope you...

2010-08-13T23:19:00.000-07:00

I don't usually share this stuff, but I had to get it out of my system since I'm not ready to talk about it... and hope that someone reads its... and perhaps decides to send a prayer my way.

I heard my dad cry for the first time in my life on Tuesday night. I couldn't cry the whole day up until that moment. It started with a phone call midday. I should've known for my dad to call me while at work.. followed by my mom calling 1 minute later.

How can someone tell you "it's going to be alright?" when you know its not true at the moment.

I hope he knows he is loved. I hope he wasn't scared or in pain. I hope he know we will not only remember, but never forget. I hope he is living in heaven. I hope he didn't feel alone. I hope he was at peace.

I wish I had sent more letters and spent more time. I wish I had visited one last time.

I got a job the same day I lost someone. And since then, my world has been crashing down. I lost my housing because of this. I am financially pressed. But seeing my family in pain and stress, may possibly be the worst feeling. We all need each other. Where my parents cannot help, my brother has. We're trying to get by.

I try to be tough and not cry.
I try to laugh it off, but at the end of the day, I cry myself to sleep every night.
And maybe sometimes it is okay to NOT be okay.
I hope that's okay.

Sad World

2010-07-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

I can't help but to be slightly offended at how sinful and fallen I am, and it's become an "okay" thing in society. I feel like more and more we are getting to the status of Sodom and Gomorrah. In what way? Why?

Look at our society of parents teaching their kids the "dog eat dog" mentality. That if you don't look out for yourself, then people will take advantage. Sadly, it's happened to me, and it's true. But how in the world did we get to that being an unfortunate but true thing??? It couldn't have happened overnight, could it?

It's so sad to see materialism take over our lives. Thoughts of entitlement-- that we "deserve" things. Like how once I've started to make money, life suddenly becomes easier because I have what the world wants - money... and now I can finally "live". People will take me seriously because I can offer to them what they truly want. Or entitlement from having a M.A. in Education and thinking that some way, some how.. it sucks more for me that I don't have a job. In a way and to some extent, yes, I do think I deserve a job as a teacher.. because I worked hard for it. And when you work hard for something, you really just want to reap the benefits of it.. you want to see and know that the things you do have some effect or have some weight in matters.

Pass judgment on others when we can't even face the facts: that at the end of it all, we're just like the people we hate the most. Because we see in them, the same things that we hate about ourselves. Those things that we lie to ourselves about not being, but are, no matter how much we try to fix it, hide it, and overcome it.

Where can I even begin to make things better? I feel as though I am myself, at fault for being sinful. We can't simply just write it off as "human", right??? We see activists and humanitarians do so much for others, and we are touched. We stare at awe and wonder. We say "I wish there were more people like that." or maybe even "I wish I could do that/had time to do that..."

And it's just become an undesirable thing overall, to be altruistic. To be kind to others. We are in awe because it no longer exists! It's a rarity and I can't help but wonder WHY it is such a rarity. It shouldn't be. I can't be.

Let's pray for God to open our blinded visions that are so self-centered. Pray for society as a whole because it influences us to act in certain ways. Pray for boldness like Nehemiah had where he kept his eye on the prize and refused to let down his guard. Refused to deviate from his trust in God and to see CLEARLY what was going on and make a courageous effort to pray for the lost, to pray and ask God for help, to direct his concerns to God, and most of all, to TRUST that God can handle anything. But the first step, might just be to bring my (and your) fears and concerns to God, and to ask that He help us in anyway to do the right thing. To make the right choice. To have a backbone. To be altruistic when dog eat dog rules over all.

So discouraging. :(

catharsis

2010-07-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

have you ever seen something beautiful
so beautiful
that you wanted to destroy it?

because it was too much.
not out of anger
but passion.

i have.
for the first time
but not the last time,
today.

dont know much

2010-07-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know much.
But I know I love You.
That may be all I need to know.

Thanks for those words, Lionel Richie.

Can I Be Honest?

2010-06-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

When I started this specific blog, I set out with something to prove to others. I had desired wholly to break out of my shell and break away from my stigmas of my undergraduate career, in which I spent endless hours studying in the library and stressing out about any and all things related to school and life.

I wanted to let others into the life of me as a person aside from those labels and characteristics, that only if everyone had looked past the studious girl, I'd suddenly convince people that I really did have a fun and carefree side to me (and I do!).

Problem is, I think I was caught up in PROVING to everyone someone I KNEW I already was. Blogging about all things fun and funny, hoping to release stigmas... sounds so silly now that I'm 2 years older. These things we learn with time, and I should and do consider myself blessed to have had this revelation at 22 years old rather than 40 and wondering why I had also made bad decisions with choosing good and loyal friends.

As I was reading back, I've realized that I slowly reverted back to those serious and thought provoking posts-- the ones that truly reflect the deepest thoughts of my mind. And now, I think it's okay and probably preferable that there is a balance between maturity and youthful play.

I just think somewhere in the past 2 years, I finally realized and TRULY believe that it is in fact, good and desirable to be comfortable in your own skin. Dr. Seuss once said: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

In closing, we're not going to love everything about ourselves, but as long as we're honest... as long as we are aware and as long as we can muster up the courage to be ourselves, we can stand proud of who we were, who we are, and who we wish to become. I'm not sure I can ask more from myself than that. I hope that you love who you are, embrace who you were as influence, and look forward to who you are destined to become.

It's going to be a beautiful journey.
I believe it.
I pray you do too.

Fine Lines

2010-06-03T01:41:00.000-07:00

I think a problem with Christians is.. that sometimes we confuse the idea of sharing our good news with others and being someone's savior.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is not my will, but God's to be done.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not the savior-- Jesus is.

I've seen and been badly burned by some people who have felt the need to play "God" with my life. Maybe it begins with genuine care and concern, or with good intentions, but after time, it becomes an idol and an addiction that we feel we cannot and SHOULD NOT let go of... because after all, the Bible calls us to help others right?

We should learn and be constantly reminding ourselves of our places. We are called to help others, but we are not designated as God or as THE Savior. But in the end, there is a fine line.

Dear God,
Not my will, but let YOURS be done.

-Ann

Things that make you go "hm..."

2010-06-01T01:53:00.000-07:00

Like my students who come from broken families
that fear for their safety.
Whose fathers beat and abuse them: verbally, physically, sexually.
And whose secrets are locked behind closed doors.

And I'm going to pray for them
Because after all, they're children.
And childhood is one of the best times in one's whole life.
Mine was.

I can only hope theirs will one day be too.

Dear God,
Break my heart for what breaks yours. Continually. Not just today. Tomorrow. The next day. And forever.
Let my voice be heard for each that cannot speak.. so that Your love may be revealed.

-Ann.

Never Forget You

2010-05-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

I'll never forget you, but I can't help but notice you're already fading away.

The ephemerality of memories, lost and convoluted, like a black sheep in a sea of white ones.
Knowing that it's there, but unable to reach it.
Slowly replaced.

The things we did in past years, on the back burner of memories uneasily drafted and pulled up.
Old files.
We had some good times.
I miss your laugh.
More than that, I miss laughing with you.

Sometimes I pass a certain place that floods a forgotten memory, which then becomes an old, but retrieved memory.
Part of me hates that because it's but an old memory.
Part of me is nostalgic because it is a memory.

But all in all, even if time passes, I'll still try.
I'll never forget you.
So please don't forget me.

I love you.

2010-04-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

I want to reach out and LOVE someone, LOVE the loveless, LOVE the world in the way that I know how, even if it's not enough. I just want to run with outstretched arms and make a difference in ONE person's life. One smile. One laugh.

I want to love you because I love you.
let me love you. let me love you. let me love you.

been a while

2010-02-17T00:47:00.000-08:00

I went home this past weekend, and it was pretty fun. Very eventful. I wish I could have gone home more these past two years. I think a big thing is having to drive by myself now that my brother has graduated-- it's really boring!

My relatives came from Oregon and stayed at our house. Got to talking to them (I am usually too shy to) and I think they really got to see a side of me they never knew. Uncle P and Tammy E. think I'm on serious levels of entertaining and hilarious because of my stories and jokes.

Uncle P also talked to me about grad school and teaching and my future, and he even said he was really proud of me for being the first with a Masters! He said that despite the economy being so bad, he thinks I'll be fine because he said I'm very positive and realistic about things.. and he even complimented me saying I am very charismatic! I won't lie-- that was a good pick me up for me.

What's funny is that I don't really know what "charismatic" actually means. I just automatically think of Hitler (oh no..) HAHA. I've been described as so by a good handful of people since high school... and I finally looked it up on Wikipedia and dictionary.com. "a special magnetic charm or appeal". que interesante.. i'll keep that in mind.

On a totally irrelevant note, it's so much more fun to blog when you shouldn't be.. like I am now. I'm really stressed out about grad school and my thesis right now because it's closing time but here I am writing out my heart because it makes me calm down a little.. so that I can get back to work.

Another thing- I had a good Valentine's Day because I saw how much my family loves me. My mom took a day off work today to hang out with me. She seriously gathers everything I need for me and helps me out. She's got some heart... always concerned with the happiness and comfort of others- sometimes suffocating, but I know she means well. I mentioned that I wanted apples to bring back to Davis, and she saved me the time to go to Costco by already buying it for me when I got back to SM. How considerate and loving her heart is!

I have had computer and extHD problems the past week, and my brother immediately helped me try to extract files from the drive that got corrupted in my extHD. It was taking a long time, and it's still not done, but he didn't even complain. He just tried to help me fix my problem ASAP. Also, I love that I can have heart to hearts with him about everything-- I see siblings that hate each other and try to avoid each other, but P's always been chill and there for me. Always taking care of me and giving me tough love when I need it most.

And then there's my dad who just is simply THERE. Not in a bad way, but I know if I need something, he's there for me to lean on. I'm sick and he kept telling me to go out, get some sun and take a walk. Even gave me the good green tea to drink when I wasn't feeling well. He kept checking up on me when I was in my room working on my thesis all weekend.

Funny that as much as they annoy me at times, I love them so much. I mean, I know them so well too. I can impersonate them. I know exactly what they'll say to what and HOW they'll say it. I know their habits so well. I know when my mom is worrying, but not telling me.

I took off work today to stay an extra day at home. I didn't even want to leave. Wish I didn't have this thesis looming over my head... I wish I got to spend some more time with my family this past weekend. Try to go back in 2 weeks after my thesis presentation.

Okay. Really gotta get back to work. Wasted enough time. I got work tomorrow too.. bleh.

I am GIFTED

2010-01-22T23:21:00.001-08:00

"Being gifted doesn't mean you've been given something.
It means you have something to give."

Things I feel I'm gifted in (not meant to be arrogant at all, by the way) :
- patience
- creativity
- empathy
- domestic things: baking, cooking, crafting
- organized
-hospitality
-encouragement

God gives us specific gifts so that we can use them, not to simply tell others about them so they will think how awesome we are. For the past few Lents, the thing I gave up was my time. If you don't know me well, time is important to me because I'm always busy busy busy. I pack my schedule with work, school, etc etc.

So I've always gave up my time and tried to give it to someone else. It's one of the greatest gifts you can give someone, in my opinion. To give up YOUR time is to let someone know they are WORTHY of your time. That of all things they could be doing, people they could be seeing, they are with YOU.

The following is my proposal to how to possibly use my gifts in the coming year:
1) Patience-- I've decided to help someone learn a language. Well, more like we are mutually teaching each other a language, but I think I have the patience to learn and to teach at the same time.
2) Creativity-- I've always tread in the imaginative and creative side, but aside from painting and creating things to hang in my apartment, I've decided to use it for something better. I'm hoping to get in contact with some Thai children through a friend and become penpals with them. Making cards and drawing pictures. Being a friend to children halfway around the world.
3) Empathy-- I want to somehow get into disciple-ing younger people or women or something.
4) Doing domestic things-- I hope to bake or cook and share it with people once a month. Share my joys. :)
5) Organization-- I'd like to volunteer some time to someone that needs help keeping things in order. Let me know if you need help sorting through papers.
6) Hospitality-- I admit, I had to look up this word. Many people have called me a very "hospitable person," but I wasn't 100% sure what it entails. "Hospitality is also known as the act of generously providing care and kindness to whoever is in need." At least once this year, I would like to make sack lunches and give them to homeless people.
7) Encouragement-- I don't think this requires any planning. I think it's just something that will come up, and WHENEVER the opportunity presents itself, I'd like to encourage others. I'd like to be brave enough to ask, "Can I pray for you really quick?"

What are your gifts?
How are you going to give with them?

I Want to Feel Your Heart Beating

2010-01-21T23:54:00.000-08:00

So I was reading Genesis, and realized something. The Bible does't describe how Eve looked like. She must've been THE MOST gorgeous woman to EVER grace the Earth because she was made in God's image... like God literally made made her. But then the Bible doesn't focus on that. It focuses on her role as wife to Adam and her duty to God, her Creator.

Interesting, no?

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. ⁴Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4

The "standard" of feminine excellence is not meant to be superficial. What matters is the inner self. That UNFADING BEAUTY. Holy moly, ladies! You hear that? Are you understanding that? Our obsessions with cosmetics, image, body shapes, etc.. don't matter. They never did to begin with!

I don't know about all of you girls, but I'm going after God's heart.
I totally want a gentle and quiet spirit!
Yes, yes, yes!! I'd like to feel your heartbeat, God. Please. :)

Carnage vs. Spidey

2010-01-20T20:40:00.000-08:00

for the longest time, i believed that people were good at heart, and i think i still think so, but i am now willing to admit that underneath it all within us, if pushed to our limit or to the end of our ropes, is a monster waiting to be unveiled.

the carnage, the raw savageries, the cruel and relentless. and not even Spidey can save us on this one.

blessings

2010-01-18T13:39:00.000-08:00

you can take your hurt, your pain, your disappointments and you can hang on and cry about it.. or you can use it as inspiration to help others. i am blessed in my misfortunes, my trials, and my pain.

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." -Mary Oliver.

dear God,
i know not of the pain that the oppressed feel. i do not know what grief of a dying family member feels like. i do not know how the residents of new orleans felt as they saw their lives flushed away. i do not know of the worry of the haitians who survived the earthquake. i walk with years of academia under my belt, but those feelings, i do not know.

help me to take my experiences, my hurt, my pain.. and use it as a gift- to others. to help them through what they might be feeling. to listen. to empathize. to sympathize. to not be selfish and only think about myself and my plight. there is far worse.

and thank you, for reminding me that no matter how much i suffer, you have purposeful plans for that. if you are teaching me that, then your will be done. i don't want to be isolated and ignorant. i don't want to live a smug life. i don't want to live for myself and only myself. remind me constantly to share my blessings with others. your will be done- and i mean it.

2010-01-17T02:23:00.000-08:00

i once liked a boy who loved me.
but i never told him so, and with that, i pushed him away.
because i was scared he'd find out what a mess up i was.
i thought he deserved better.
but that was exactly what he loved about me.

what i did not know back then, was that love is never about finding or even being the perfect person.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres... but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 10

Thank you for being the perfection so that my imperfections may disappear, Jesus.

the first love

2010-01-07T13:20:00.000-08:00

I want to love like God does. The first love. That one that never changes and you never forget.

But lately, it seems that I've been stuck in a judgmental rut towards myself and others. When I was reading my book and Bible last night, I was humbled greatly. I need to focus on my own shortcomings, not others. My expectations of myself are very high, and I'm not even sure why, but to some extent, I extend that to the people around me, leaving me disappointed and frustrated.

I'm not patronizing or looking down on others though. It's not that. It's just egocentrism (like in HDE and PSC) where I think that if I'm this way, so is everyone. I keep forgetting that I am me, and others are different.

but God, oh that Man.. just loves unconditionally. and no matter how super nice, patient, and kind people think I am. I still know myself-- and I want to love like it's the first time, every time.

Imagine what we could do if we just loved unconditionally. That doesnt mean we don't get angry or unhappy. We just love.. them in the end. Always. That would be nice. :)

CycleCycle.

2010-01-03T23:16:00.000-08:00

This is the last quarter of my graduate studies. Wow. 4 quarters down, 1 more to go. I'm 4/5, baby! Then I walk across some stage again to shake some important people's hands (of whom I do not know of their importance or what they do).

Two days ago, I took the liberty of scanning over my schedule for this quarter. 5 weeks of research. 3 weeks of intense writing and data analysis. 2 weeks dedicated to organizing and finalizing portfolio and thesis. My quarter is proving to be more condensed than a can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle.

I haven't started freaking out yet (BIG deal for me), which I take as a sign of me getting better at handling this anxiety and stress deal. My goal is to not stress out and to enjoy my last quarter, regardless of the said schedule above. I'm going to try my best to see the big picture and focus on the main purpose of graduating with my Masters.

You know, at the end of this, I know I'll look back on this, and think "DAMN. I did THAT?!?!" Then a few months later, I'll say: "Holy mother of giraffes, I REALLY DID DO THAT!!!" I seem to never understand the magnitude of things that happen in my life. But it's only months later, that I realize how many blessings of opportunity God has given me in the duration of a year.. simply because when I'm in the midst of it, they look like one thing, and one thing only: dreaded TRIALS.

The journey itself is always rough. But if you take it a day at a time, a step at a time, sooner or later, you turn around, and find you've walked so far you can no longer see where you began.

It's like biking. It's all about the journey. :)
And I think I'm going to be all right this time around
...just like all the other times. :)

Celebrate Good Times, COME ON!

2010-01-01T00:40:00.001-08:00

Tonight, is the last night that I am inclined to write a blog post. I said I would blog a post a day until the end of the year. This is it. That was a few months!

New Years. Not big on it personally. Just another day. Don't call me pessimistic. I'm not. I just see every day that I get as a new day. It's a blessing.

It's just a number bigger than the last. :)

Grace: Recieved AND Given.

2009-12-30T14:53:00.001-08:00

Lately, I've been reading a few people's blogs that talk about parents issues. How they have finally understood why they are the way they are.. and it's because of their parents. And how they are learning about grace.

I read that and to some extent, understand how parents play a large and insurmountable part in how we turn out.. and to some extent, I do feel for them. I know that it can be frustrating and it makes you feel like you are fighting a losing battle.

I know it first hand. What sparked this post was that I stumbled across an article about Ted Kennedy in Psychology Today. Living in the shadows, he was the "overlooked" child. The one who did everything to find value and be recognized by his parents, his father. And as I read that, I realized that I too, am the overlooked child.

The one who pushes herself to nothing less than a 4.0. To graduating college in 3 years. To graduate school at 20 years old. To teacher at 21. To Masters by 22. To the 'go big or go home' and 'if you don't give your 100%, there's not much point in doing it". To changing the phrase to 'fall down seven hundred times, stand up seven hundred and one."

For what? For emotional security. People sometimes unfortunately think I'm strong. I'm strong enough to do anything and anything.. because I don't SEEM to prove them wrong. Oh, but I do. My achievements in and of itself are symptoms of my own weaknesses and insecurities.

And at some points, I DO in fact question, if my parents would just see and recognize me.. like they do my brother, then all would be well. But that's just family dynamics, and sometimes you find yourself seeking for something that never exists.

And you can either live your life in bitterness and pity, or you can accept it and make changes. I choose the latter. Our parents are not perfect, but NEITHER ARE WE. Yes, we have grace in God. Yes, our God loves us in a way that our parents can never. But put yourselves in your parents' shoes. THEY have grace in God as well. And maybe it's about time we extended the grace God gives US to them, not just ourselves.

My family's not perfect. My parent's don't get A+s in every aspect of parenting. But at the end of the day, I know they love me. I know they'll do anything in their power to support me and after a single tearful phone call, they'll worry their hearts out for days, weeks, and months.

It's not just about how our parents 'failed' us in our upbringing. I've failed at being the perfect daughter. I'm far from model child. Without our parents, maybe we would have never understood the concept of God's grace. And as a teacher, I believe this: if you've truly learned something, you're able, willing, and DO apply what you've learned in your life.

God extends grace to us, and that's the lesson, but to apply it, we must extend our grace as well. We're imperfect and all partially at fault. We ALL need grace. It's not always about YOU.

AOL

Well, Achieved.

2009-12-30T13:16:00.001-08:00

When people accomplish things, know that they are people who beat the odds. They are people who persist, who fight, who persevere through it all. And the only reason why you think they don't persist, fight, persevere is because the people who accomplish things, they DO those things and when they fail, they get back up. Every time.

So what you see is them standing at the end, never knowing how many times they fell to finally stay standing.

Watchmen

2009-12-30T00:05:00.000-08:00

I just watched this movie. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Very philosophical. Morals/ethics type of philosophy. Very... Darwin vs. William Paley on the existence of God. God as a watchmaker. Watchmen. I can see why it was one of TIME's 100 best novels.

2009-12-28T17:36:00.000-08:00

contentment. it's something good.
search for it.

Love and Marriage

2009-12-27T17:35:00.000-08:00

I just read a Psychology Today article on lasting marriages. Basically, they're finding that the first 2 years are very important in a marriage and it can pretty much tell you if a couple is going to make or break it.

I'm not really one to think of marriage, but I guess it's popping in my head because my cousin is getting married and other friends of mine are talking about it with me. Kinda creeps me out that some 23 year old talk about marriage and wanting a baby, but to each his/her own.

Anyways, the article was saying that longer courtships tend to fair better in the sense of you take your time to get to know that person, and you just have fun with them, then eventually open up and share deeper things. These couples faired better because they learned about shortcomings and took time to deal with them. It wasn't all about being madly in love and being super romantic. They would see patterns in the other person's behavior and if they could look past and accept those shortcomings, they tended to be more inclined to working on it.

The article also mentioned how couples that were most likely to divorce were the ones who were super 'storybook' romance story, and after they married, the stresses and shortcomings started to emerge, and then those "super romantic lovey dovey" feelings just faded away, leaving couples feeling disappointed and loveless. DISILLUSIONMENT was a theme throughout the article -- like starting out believing in one thing, and after marriage, finding out it was a whole other story. They walked into the WRONG ballpark..

There were other things, but reading that was interesting.. like thinking about the married couples I know, and the bf/gf pairs I know.. like thinking about whether they'll last. HAHA.

Likes

2009-12-26T16:51:00.001-08:00

I like board games. A lot.
I also like bloopers. A lot.

Buying and Selling

2009-12-24T15:56:00.000-08:00

Today, I went to Plato's Closet in DTSM and sold 8 articles of clothing for $25. I was going to donate them, but I figure I should just give this a shot first. And now I'm $25 richer! Woohoo!

I'm good with my hands. I always have been. I'm creative and innovative, but most of the time, I never act on the creative ideas I have. Now is the time for me to engage and put ideas into action!

I'm investing a lot of money right now in crafts and computers and stuff. Because I'm still in school and part time subbing as a teacher, I can't hold a full time job. In the month of January, I'll be researching every day, so no subbing for the first 5 weeks of winter quarter. Needless to say, that doesn't make my bills and rent and such disappear, so I'm really taking this small business of selling handmade stuff serious now.

It's something I can do at home on my own time when I don't get sub calls. It can also be something I'll do during the summer when I'm not teaching too (in the future).

I hope this won't floop. :( Big favor though.. can you send God a little prayer on my behalf? Hehe. :) Thanks!

weezy

2009-12-24T12:01:00.001-08:00

i know it isnt right
but still i have to fight
i have to let you know
i dont wanna let you go
the pain is killing me
but i cant let it be
i have to let you know
i dont want to let you go

-Weezer.

Water & Workoutss

2009-12-24T04:53:00.000-08:00

Hi. I have a new water bottle for working out. I love it because it has a straw, so I don't have to stop to drink water. Well, I don't HAVE to stop, but that's if I want water splattered all over myself. (I don't want that.)

Lately, I have been sleeping around 4-5am, and waking at 10am-12pm. What's wrong with me?

I was looking at pictures last night and I was really skinny in HS. Now I feel fat compared to those pictures. I gradually got fatter, so I didn't even notice too much. Holy crap! We know who needs to work out more now!

Consistency

2009-12-22T12:12:00.000-08:00

Consistency is such an important virtue for so many, and yet the world was not meant to be so consistent and constant.

Hmm.. A strange balance between these two clashing antonyms of ideas forms in this such as 1) there is consistency in the life cycle, meaning we're born, we live (this one's debatable), and we die. 2) Waves have high and low tides. The sun always rises and sets. Never fail.

Then there are things such as: 1) Adaptation - changing to fit the environment. 2) Weather is inconsistent. 3) Traffic patterns change 4) PEOPLE change.

It's strange how inconsistencies BECOME part of the whole CONSISTENT part of nature. But when put that way, when we define consistency as a PATTERN, then inconsistent things suddenly BECOME consistent. Ok here's an example: the phrase "always changing" -- is that to describe INconsistency? or consistency? Well, because if it was ALWAYS changes, then it is changing at a consistent rate. Then by definition, "always changing" WOULD be consistent.

The definitions can be altered in such ease as to simply change the context of how the word is used.

You could take the thought that "God is constant and never changing." And you can twist the definition if you think outside of the box... as God ISN'T so because sometimes he would be a God who is just, but other times, He would be merciful. On one hand, he would love on his people and on the other hand, he would punish them. In a micro sense, God is not constant. In the macro sense, He is. You can count on him to be just when just is needed, merciful when mercy is needed, love when love is appropriate, and punish when His people sinned and needed to be taught.

I don't know. I just think it's so weird how a word can be stripped of its meaning through context. Very interesting.

If I Reincarnated...

2009-12-21T23:11:00.000-08:00

Okay, to be honest, I never blog about this stuff. I ASK these questions to others and I talk about them, but I don't think it's really my style to blog about this stuff. Anyways, I asked my friend Alan to help me out with blog topics because I ran out of ideas. So the credit for this topic goes to him.

If you reincarnated, what would you like to be?

My gut instinct was to answer "human" for the reason of "then I would be able to live life with more knowledge and a second chance- slate wiped clean". But that's kinda lame and one hell of a boring answer, so I suppose a dog. I think they seem really happy. They run around and play all day. They keep people company. They protect their owners. They are loyal.

Why would you enjoy being that?
I think for the most part, I've never seen a sad dog. They're so playful and they love to play. The second they see a tennis ball, their ears perk up and the run out to get ready for you to throw it. I think I'd just love to be something that enjoys play so much. They just seem so damn carefree. As a human, I wish I was that way, but I guess it might take reincarnating into a dog to attain that!

What would a normal day be like?
I'd pretty much chew on slippers, newspapers, toys. Walk around the house. Poop. Go for a walk with my owner. Eat. Play. Jump into my owner's lap hoping for a belly or ear scratch.

What do you hope to achieve before you die?
I'm not sure dogs really hope to achieve things. I'd want to be trained to do tricks. I'd like to have run a 10K in those owner/dog races too. I think most of all, I'd like to have been a good companion to my owner.

Under Pressure

2009-12-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

Like a whirlwind sweeping me up and consuming. It's not a thing I constantly and conscientiously think about, yet I feel the burden of it pulling me down. It's in the back of my mind, and I unknowingly feel hard pressed to realize I live up to insane expectations-- no, NOT only my own, but others. No matter how others may deny it, but there is pressure-- an insane amount.

Pressure to not speak in fear of being called ungrateful.
Pressure to speak with concern as to being arrogant or pretentious.

Pressure to never quit because I never have.
Pressure to be strong and not care what others think.

Pressure in being the "youngest" but being the "first" to grad school.
Pressure in others thinking I know what the hell I'm doing with my life either.

Pressure in others' looking up to me as if I am so grown up and mature.
Pressure in being put involuntarily on a pedestal.

Pressure in doing my best, despite all the other pressures.
Pressure to prove that teaching was a worthwhile pursuit.

Pressure to stay calm and happy, and not stress out.
Pressure to change... and quick or the world will pass me by.

Pressure of "way to show us up" and "stop. my parents always say why I can't be more like you."
Pressure of hiding my concerns for all these pressures because of...

Pressure that THIS WAS MY CHOICE AND MY DECISION.
And you're right. It was my choice, but that doesn't mean that all those listed pressures don't exist.

And any way I look at it, I will be judged. People assume I'm smart because of my achievements-- I've worked hard to get where I am. I'm not a child prodigy or a genius. People assume I know everything because I'm a teacher -- I screw up on a simple math problem and I'm patronized for getting 15% of a bill wrong...

"This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure"
-Queen & David Bowie

Steamed out,
AOL

Long Way 2 Go

2009-12-20T02:59:00.000-08:00

Hi girls, ever meet guys of these types?

I love it when they try to get scandalous
Even though they know they really can't handle it
Try and take me out to dinner, I'll cancel it

If you really wanna know me first of all
You should never try to get to personal
Cuz I'm in it when I say:
That you gotta long way to go.

Yessssssssss. Say it, Cassie.
I don't settle. Sorry boys.

Blog for a living???

2009-12-19T14:36:00.000-08:00

SCHWEETTT!!! Someone told me that I should blog for a living a few days. I mean, I've gotten that a few times probably because I blog so much. Um but this friend told me that I should have a travel blog. Take pictures and write about it.

I'm not good enough of a writer to be doing that, but maybe a journalism class wouldn't hurt. :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm officially on Winter Break! One more quarter to go and I graduate with a MASTERS! Wawawoowah :O!

I'm gonna have to work on my thesis a little bit, but I have plans to read and learn lots of stuff, and to just watch a ton of movies. My dad is going to HK beginning on the 24th, so it'll just be Mom and P. It'll be relaxing, I hope.

I think this break will be really good for me because I need some space. Sometimes you get suffocated by the people around you, like you grow to get sick of them kinda. So I think this will be really good time for me to just have time and space to reflect. I haven't really been journaling lately or processing my thoughts. Just trying to get through to the next day, you know?

PS. I don't like this blog every day thing because I run out of ideas some days, and I feel like it's so forced sometimes. Like I have to dig to write something, or if I don't feel like writing, then I write something really quickly or it's just really sloppy. I think writing about my life is so informal, but writing about something else like having an opinion on something makes me put more effort in my writing. I wish I wrote more formally all the time, so I don't sound like I write how I talk.

Anyways, I'm going to shower now.

the end has no end

2009-12-19T02:59:00.000-08:00

i'm DONE WITH FALL QTR FINALLY!

and.. i'm ready for break.

and.. me too. hehe ;)

Greecian Mentality

2009-12-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

I watched the movie "My Life in Ruins" today, and it's about an unhappy woman finding her kefi (passion) in Greece.

Greece was my favorite country that I have visited so far, and I never said why beyond the fact that "it's BEAUTIFUL" and " i love the balance between history and the present."

From a cafe at the foot of the Acropolis, you can see the Acropolis towering over. But that's the thing.. you can get up there and experience it, all wearing a pair of flipflops- no mountain or hiking boots necessary. And from the top, you can spot bustling marketplaces.

You feel the love and the warmth. The relaxation. It's a slow paced country, and everyone is relaxed. Land of the naps. Siestas, where EVERYTHING is close from 1-5pm for naps, naps, naps!

But that's what I was afraid to admit and yet love about Greece. The fact that their culture is so laid back. The fact that they MAKE and TAKE the time to enjoy midday coffee and smell the flowers. And that's the thing- I'm complete OPPOSITE. I never stop and enjoy life, but I always wish I did.

And wishing and hoping does no good, if you don't put effort into doing it. Because all it is then, is simply a wish and a hope.

Here's to changes. Here's to trying new things. Here's to pursuing what you truly want. Here's to living a breathtaking life, every day.. not just in Greece. :)
AOL.

hypocrite

2009-12-16T14:27:00.000-08:00

i broke the blog every day deal. i lost internet for a few days, and had to go to a cafe to check my emails, and didn't really have time to blog. so i'm sorry.

1) i'm not sure if i can live without music.
2) i'm bipolar as heck as far as my walk with God. i'm totally head over heels in love some days, then i'm dry as a drought the next few days.
3) i regret MY CHOICE to do grad school
4) i think i love being around kids.

1) i was having this REALLY cruddy week a few weeks ago, then while washing dishes, my ipod just FROZE AND STOPPED WORKING. i was SO SAD. more like delirious though, i had a bad day the next days SOLELY because of my ipod. i had no music to listen to, and i felt like an addict. like when you put a meth addict in a room to get clean. it gets a little messy and crazy, and i was EXACTLY like that. i was totally psycho and twitching out and irritated with EVERYTHING.

moral: i can't live without music.

4) you probably read that and am like WTF YOU ARE A TEACHER, ANN LEUNG. HOW CAN YOU THINK you love that. you SHOULD already. as if it were a prerequisite? it's not. i mean, before i loved teaching because i could make a difference. but i guess i'm starting to realize that i have a way with children/kids. i mean.. they really seem to like me and i suppose i'm really good with them.

starting with random children who always smile at me and want to play in public. or maybe my students, who i have learned TELL THEIR SIBLINGS ALLLL ABOUT ME.
-yesterday, NB came in to get hw for TB, my student who is sick. and i introduced myself to her, and she say, "i know who you are! TB always talks about you!!" i was surprised b/c i'm only in the class Monday/Tuesday for a total of 8-9 hours!
-i also might've told you that JP has a crush on me. he tried to hold my hand. THAT BOY HAS GUTS! ahaha
-student always love that i tell funny stories and i play lots of games with them (they don't realize they're LEARNING games!)
-i never end up talking to adults. i go play with the kids.
- i love how kids ask me to have piggy back rides, even though they're almost as tall as i am!

but i really love being around kids. they're a lot of fun and carefree. and funny! :)

2009-12-12T03:34:00.000-08:00

i'm sad at the same time, i think this is the right thing to do.
sometimes things happen, but sometimes people just change.
people drift, and as sad as it is...

Finale

2009-12-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

Not really, but I just turned in my thesis again. The hope is that there will be less and less things to change as I revise my thesis.

I think I'm getting more boring. Sigh.

I started to make chai cupcakes, but I didn't have all the ingredients. I thought I did. I hate when I am absent-minded like that. I would have simply walked to Safeway, but it is raining and it is 11:20pm.

Cardamom gives me a headache, but it is an ingredient in the chai cupcakes. I don't really like chai to begin with. Why am I making chai cupcakes? Because I just wanted to see if I could. That seems to be me- I do things because I like a challenge. And that's really all there is to it- there is no trophy I desire at the end. I simply like to be challenged.

lasts

2009-12-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

just signed up for my last qtr of classes at UCD. gonna miss this place. spent 5 years here. almost 1/4 of my life. funny how that works, huh?

don't know what the future holds for me.

I bought a new camera

2009-12-09T02:19:00.001-08:00

YESTERDAY.
i didn't post, but my thesis proposal got approved. a month later, but i'm happy it's approved of at least! :D

old school canon rebel x. film camera. with a 35-80mm telephoto lens (not great, but lightweight).

LEGIT.

and only $5.99 + $0.00 tax. I am happy. :)

2 weeks. then winter break. cant wait to show my dad this camera-- he used to shoot too. :)

Right the Wrongs

2009-12-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

I spent all weekend righting wrongs and finding the girl I know I am deep down inside, all stress, school, and issues aside. I know I'm really far from perfect, and I think many people hold me on a pedestal for my academic achievements and ability to work hard at what I do and fight for what I want.

I wish they didn't because people start thinking I'm sort of smartie pants.

I've had a rough quarter and everyone tells me that if a Masters wasn't hard to get, then a lot of people would have them, but people don't, so I guess I'm doing SOMETHING right. HAHA.

I apologized so much this weekend and the past week was hell on fire fire fire as things started to REALLY break me down and my emotions took a toll on my ability to do any work or even think straight to begin with.

I really need to work harder on handling my stress. I'm gonna start doing yoga again to relax before I go to sleep. I'm hurting people left and right because I can't handle things. If I don't snap at people, then I'm pushing everyone away in fear of snapping again.

Right the wrongs. Apologizing is humbling, but it's the greatest feeling to me. To be forgiven and understood. To make amends.

Back to my thesis.
AOL

2009-12-05T01:21:00.000-08:00

sometimes people ask me: "what happened??"
and i just say: "life. life happened."
and that's it. that's the truth.

Back to Jr High.

2009-12-04T18:10:00.000-08:00

I subbed in a Jr. High Art class today. Evidently, jr. high is grades 7-9 here. Didn't know that, but it was fun. A good experience. They really don't respect you at all though and some of them wear far more makeup and far less clothes than needed. We watched a movie in all 5 classes (I had 2 free periods and lunch). Unfortunately, the same movie, so I was getting pretty bored of that.

I was though, complimented a few times today.
1) By the secretary for arriving 30 minutes early.
2) Some girls thought I was 16. Woohoo! Still lookin' young!
3) Another girl told me she liked my peacoat and shoes.
4) I was thanked by BOTH paraeducators during 7th period for being able to get a kid to sit down because he never listens, but it only took me once to. (The aides told me he had something, but no specifics. I think he had Aspergers?).

Anyways, I didn't make too many mistakes and screw things up too much. I've screwed up a few times that time I subbed in HS. I usually work for K-6, so it's always a BIG FAT learning experience for me when I teach grade 6 and up.

I was mistaken for a student in my class today like 5 times, and people were looking for "the sub". Yeap.. that's me, guys. The little one. :\

2009-12-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

i really have nothing to say.
i don't want to talk about things.
i don't want to see anyone.
i just want to sit in darkness.
and sleep without having to wake up ever again.

2009-12-02T23:28:00.001-08:00

pray for me. i'm goin under

IT'S DECEMBER!

2009-12-01T02:10:00.000-08:00

I know its only 2 hours into the first day of December, but I thought of something to blog about.

When I was folding my clothes the other day, I noticed the tags on my clothes. India. China. Bangladesh. Saudi Arabia. Korea. Hong Kong. Thailand. Cambodia. My clothes are not made here, huh? Maybe the reason why they sell $2.50 for a t-shirt here... because someone is getting paid 2 cents in some other country to make it.

That reminds me of high school when I started sewing. I ultimately wanted to make my own clothes. My mom always asks me why I don't like to cut off the tags on my clothes. It's to remind me of who makes it, and that uncomfortable itch on the back of my neck and on my lower back is a constant reminder. A reminder which did not serve its purpose because I have FORGOTTEN. Sigh... I fail. :(

So in this month of December, I will not buy new clothes. In fact, I vow to sell one whole basket of clothes. In high school, I discovered thrift stores through my friend. I will rediscover that part of my youth yet again. I thought I could never wear used clothes, but when you're wearing tags from all over the world, you start to think twice.

That dress is cute, but my hands did not bleed to make it. Some poor hungry underpaid and probably abused (in all ways) child or woman's hands bled out so I could pay the big boys $20 for something that probably costs a life and $2.50 to make.

My fear is that if I DON'T buy these clothes, what will happen to those children? Will they be forced into other labor? Is what they do the best thing they can do to be safe and stay out of trouble? Am I doing something bad by trying to do something good? :\

Gossip Girls (and Guys)

2009-11-30T13:59:00.001-08:00

Okay, personally I have never seen the show, nor do I know what it's about. I suppose it's a gossipy show. HAHA.

I have been the subject of gossip a few times in the last year, and unjustifiably so. I think I'm still healing (it's been a year) from the pain and hurt from the betrayal. I've forgiven, but there are still these remnants and reminders that still sting.

It's like when you trust someone and open up to them, thinking you are safe, yet find out you are not. That's where gossip hurts the most for me.

I'm not sure why they made a show to fuel the idea of gossip and somehow make it 'okay' because it's 'entertaining', but I will probably never watch the show. I've always TRIED to make a conscious effort to not gossip and not engage in gossip. If it doesn't pertain to me, I try to change the subject, or if I can't, then I try not to add to the fire. Of course, I am not innocent of gossiping, but I think trying to become aware of it and catch yourself is the point. It's something I want to be really good at- being aware and not engaging in gossip.

I know a few people who RARELY gossip, RARELY speak poorly of others, and are very trustworthy, and I respect that a whole lot in their character. A WHOLE lot.

Boo. Bumpkins.

2009-11-30T13:57:00.000-08:00

I had a good idea of what to blog about last night, and I was gonna blog it, but my internet didn't work. Needless to say, now I've forgotten what I wanted to write about.

Been tired lately.
Makes me crabby.
As much as I hate to admit.

2009-11-29T00:58:00.000-08:00

everyone wants to be the best
but no one wants to pour blood, sweat, and tears.
it ain't fun and games, baby.
not if you want to be the best.

live a little

2009-11-28T01:25:00.000-08:00

i'm sure you're wondering where the fun blog posts went.
i'm not sure what happened. life happened. always.

"live a little"

first off, i'm not even sure how to live life. we should probably start there.

paralyzer

2009-11-28T01:18:00.000-08:00

when i think about who i was 4 years ago
and who i am now.
i see a difference
and i don't quite remember how i got here
but i know the journey wasn't easy.
i know i had to sacrifice so much.
i know i had to change.
i know i went through obstacles.

and i'm still unsure whether my intentions met with the reality.
i never would have imagined wanting to become a better person
meant that i would change so much
that when looking in the mirror,
i couldn't recognize myself anymore.
or walk down the street
felling empty and alone, like a zombie.

so is this better than what would have been had i not made changes?
or is this a lesson in retrospective perspective?

can we hold time? because it's changing and moving too fast
and i am moving too slow,
for i cannot catch my breath.
you have left me breathless in beauty and paralyzed in fear.

life happens

2009-11-25T23:55:00.000-08:00

so why did they never work out, you ask me?
huh. well... life happened, i guess. life just happened.

won't you say what you think?

2009-11-24T23:16:00.000-08:00

just sitting here emotionlessly staring at the computer screen, not knowing what to write, but it's been like that for the past few days. i'm not sure if i lost all means of inspiration or if i just have a huge cloud looming over my head raining on me.

we shouldn't play pretend anymore.
my heart is starting to think it's for real.

little life.

2009-11-24T01:08:00.000-08:00

can you tell me why
this little life
goes
so fast.

met you at the water

2009-11-23T00:54:00.000-08:00

got off my bike. looked at "my" place. was listening to r.yamagata.

"I've been thinking everyday about you
Don't fit anywhere into my life, but that's okay
'Cause I think I might be right for you...

Please don't leave me standing
With my heart in my hand
I can't last here
I'm breaking down,
And no on understands why I got here
But I knew from the very first moment
That I met you
You'd be the one

Would you meet me by the water tonight
Would you please fall asleep
Holding my hand"

22 questions

2009-11-21T23:08:00.000-08:00

1. Where is your cell phone: In my handbag
2. Your hair: currently at the worst length: not long, not short. straight as a pin and down. side swept bangs and a cowlick. always the cowlick.
3. Your favorite food: ...... I dont' have one because I don't like to eat. Mangoes?
4. Your dream from last night: Don't remember
5. Your favorite drink: Mango iced tea? Peppermint mocha? Hot apple cider?
6. Your dream/goal: to understand that there's nothing to understand
7. What room are you in: my living room
8. What are your hobbies: biking, blogging, reading, making stuff, photography, listening to music
9. What is your fear: toes, having the last words to someone be mean/bad/hurtful (i'd never forgive myself--why i TRY hard to be nice to all at all times? or at least be neutral)
10. Where do you want to be in 6 years: content and doing what i love
11. Where were you last night: at home
12. Something you are not: confident in my abilities
13. Muffins: not a big fan, but blueberry and coffee crumb are winners :) any time, any day.
14. Wish list items: a teaching job
15. Where did you grow up: bay area, cali.
16. Last thing you did: uploaded pictures and went out to eat with friends at Black Bear Diner
17. What are you wearing: tshirt, sweats, sweatshirt, baseball socks (it's cold here).
18. Your TV: doesn't go on much, despite having free cable
19. Your pets: pet rock from kindergarten
20. Your friends: an ecclectic bunch who are all enlightening in their own way and who each have qualities that i can learn from.
21. Your favorite store: bookstores. small independent bookstores.
22. Your favorite color: Black, green, purple. In that order.. I think?

2009-11-20T21:05:00.001-08:00

same day, same story.

A Meh Day

2009-11-19T23:45:00.000-08:00

I didn't have anything to write all day. I didn't have a great day, but let's see. Gotta try to stay positive, so um.. last night I baked 2 new recipes. Raspberry buttercream cupcakes and peppermint cream cheese frosting with fudge brownies. Both turned out well.

Going to try making chai cupcakes this weekend possibly. We'll see how grad school plans out.

Try A Little Kindness

2009-11-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

Whenever I am at the cashier and they ask me "Hi, how are you?," I always respond, "Good, and you?"

I think it takes them aback a little at first because they're used to saying that due to training and customer service. Anyways, being friendly makes others more inclined to be friendly too, in my opinion.

Evidence: Monday- got extra whipped cream AND choc. chips on the top of my peppermint mocha... along with a VERY cheerful 'Have a great day! :D'

Today- was at Nugget because they had 89c/lb STRING BEANS!!! At Farmers Market, it was $3.00/lb! Anyways, the bagger boy started talking to me about cream cheese (because I bought some) and asked what I was making. He then proceeded to teach me how to make lemon no-bake pie and just walked me to my car and unloaded my groceries. I know, I know.. you say THATS THEIR JOB, but he didn't do it for the lady in front of me, so HA!

Anyways, he's from Davis. Goes to Davis High School. Nice kid. :)

Not Alone

2009-11-17T12:23:00.001-08:00

So a lot of the time, I feel like I'm a 1-girl army, and everything looks impossible and daunting. Kinda feels like I'm all alone to fight a huge war, but when I turn around, I realize that my family and friends. Those people who love and care about me- they're always there and have always been from the very start.

...and that's enough to keep me fighting.

And this, oh.. this makes things better.. even if for a little while. :)

Thanks,
AOL

Tears of Frustration.

2009-11-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

To the point of exhaustion.
I think I might break.
No, I'm breaking down to a point that is more than I knew was possible.

sunday afternoon

2009-11-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wonder if i am confined to this life of sad melodic melodies
while sitting in darkness, shades closed-- far too symbolic
destined for something less than what i've believed to be true.
fighting to never settle, but having to settle anyways.

watching in third person a live reel of tape
that is actually my first person life.
because music through earphones mimics the songs of ending credits
struggling to press replay, again and again...
knowing when the music stops, so will i.

but you would never know,
AOL

Surprise visitors!

2009-11-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

My dad and my brother drove all the way up to Davis to take me out to dinner tonight. :) They know I'm having a tough time lately getting my thesis done and stuff. Yay surprises. I feel special!

Usually I drive home to visit, but this time was different! Hurrah. Also talked to Mom on the phone too.

AOL

Calvin & Hobbes

2009-11-13T13:15:00.000-08:00

In a pretty foul mood lately, especially after last night. :( Don't wanna go into it here. Today, I woke up and read comics instead of working on my thesis proposal because I have writers block and I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to start to begin with.

Waiting for my inspiration and last minute panic for this thesis proposal.. SIGH. :(
AOL

Troll

2009-11-12T13:01:00.001-08:00

Last night, I let my own frustrations overwhelm me and I yelled at a friend, when they were actually trying to help me feel better. I have never felt so disappointed and angry at myself.

A mean little troll :(
AOL

Pancetta & Experimenting with Food

2009-11-11T17:05:00.000-08:00

If you know me, I absolutely hate bacon!!! ABSOLUTELY HATE, no joke. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm in like with PANCETTA. What is that you ask? It's Italian bacon, but it has WAY less fat- it's saltier in my opinion, but it cooks well and a LITTLE bit goes a LOOOOONG way! :

But I bought pancetta to make with string beans, because I thought it would taste good.. and oh baby, it DID. This is what I ate for dinner two days ago. String beans cooked, no INFUSED, with garlic cloves and sliced pancetta.. with mini steak. It was a good home cooked meal that only took 15 minutes to whip up. :)

I don't really like carbs so my meal has none, but if you eat them or need them in your meal, then you can just cook up some rice or bake a potato first before prepping the string beans and steak.

Here's how I made it if you're interested:
1) Use 3 cloves of garlic and smash it when the flat blade of a knife for easy peeling. Leave as cloves or slice as you prefer.
2) Cut ends off of string beans off and cut into about 1 1/2 inch bite sized pieces. Wash and drain.
3) Cut pancetta into small bits.
4) Cut steak into cubes of 1 inch or so WITH the grain. Against the grain will make the meat tough when you eat it. Season meat with Montreal seasoning, if you don't have that. garlic salt and pepper tastes just awesome as well.
5) Olive oil in the pan, but only a LITTLE. Then add chopped pieces of pancetta. The fat will melt (which is why don't overdo the olive oil like I mentioned before). Throw in the cloves/slivers of garlic and cook on low/medium heat. You don't want to burn garlic because it will taste BITTER. Brown the garlic, don't burn it. When the pancetta looks crispy, toss in the string beans and cook on high heat for 1-2 minutes, stirring frequently. Turn down the fire to medium low and cover pan, stirring occasionally to prevent burning.
6) Put olive oil in the pan. When the stove is hot, put steak in the pan. If the pan smokes up, turn down the heat (your fire is too hot). Spread out the meat, but refrain from pushing the meat around. Allow the meat to get browned on one side and flip each piece over, allowing the other side to brown as well. When both sides are browned, turn down the heat to medium low (that means lower side of medium or a 4-5 if 10 is hot.) This will enable you to cook the meat slowly to keep in the juices and have tender meat without overcooking or burning the outside of the meat.
7) Serve and enjoy! (Remember to cook veggies FIRST and meat AFTER)

Happy Cooking! Enjoy!
AOL

THESIS PROPOSAL? DONE!

2009-11-10T22:06:00.000-08:00

After weeks of suffering and torture, I have submitted my thesis proposal. I started October 23, 2009. Today is November 10, 2009. I worked on it for a long time. I didn't procrastinate.

I'm relieved. I was so stressed out!

You know what? I AM proud of myself.. and that's a lot for me to say because I rarely ever say that. 3,822KB and 34 pages of my blood, sweat, and tears:

Crusty Eyes

2009-11-09T02:00:00.000-08:00

A video!

Last Thursday, I was hit by a bout of severe eye allergy. The 2 days prior were super windy, and my eyes are highly sensitive (why I can hardly ever wear contacts in my right eye because of the allergy bumps). Anyways, it was fine in the beginning, and I thought I just had itchy, watery, red eyes.

Then they were all gross and crusty (yeah, I know ya'll want to know this.) Okay, so my eyes didn't look as nasty as Homers, but that video clip has always been a favorite of my best friend Al and I since high school! Anyways.. .having a history of having eye allergies, I thought nothing of it. By Friday, it got a little better, but it was still gross and my eyes were pink and gunky. I looked like I was high! Anyways, on Saturday, I finally head down to Cowell to get my eyes checked out for PINK EYE.

I've never had it before, but my eyes were definitely in no condition to be seeing! Ends up, I DIDN'T have pink eye after all!!!! Like I thought, I just have severe eye allergies. It happens to me especially during high winds or seasonal/weather changes. Which is now, since its going from warm to cold/chilly for fall.

Oh, the suffering... anyways, wanted to write about my experience with that since I've never had something this severe for my eyes. I had to take Claritin and buy "natural tears" to flush out my eyes from irritants.

Wrote about all that because ever since that blew over, I've been having really dry eyes in general. To the point that I can't close my eyes all the eye to sleep!!! It's SO WEIRD because it's as if my eyelid just gets stuck. HAHAHA. So every night, I have to put my bottle of Visine dry eyes next to my bed and drop some in my eyes before I sleep.

Thought I'd share that because it's something new to my regiment in life. Oh yeah, I also have been better at taking my aspirin and iron pills for my anemia and thalessemia minor issues (click the link for a short, sweet, and accuracy definition). I have MINOR, not MAJOR. If I had MAJOR, I'd probably have died a good 21 years ago. I have trouble remembering/wanting to eat them, but then I remember I don't want to have a stroke at 21 and I eat them gladly.

AOL

Unseen

2009-11-08T20:25:00.000-08:00

I feel horribly invisible.

Bokeh

2009-11-07T12:29:00.000-08:00

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part

Decrepit and Unknown

2009-11-06T04:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I can't believe myself for wanting a Masters- wanting to write some 100+ page thesis that will sit in the midst of other 100 page theses in a library growing decrepit and smelling musty.

I think the satisfaction of having finished something like a Masters program outweighs all the obstacles and trials you have to go through to get there. Like the thought of "WOW. I did THAT??? and made it out alive??" It feels good. It felt really good to walk across that stage to get my teaching credential- knowing I had been a full time student AND worked full time.

Anyways, I'm in a constant state of fluctuation, between a state in which I am recharged and have the mentality of I CAN DO THIS.. and the state of feeling helpless and discouraged. I can feel myself falling some days and am unable to pick myself up. But the next day, the next day will always be a fresh start. Thanks for second chances to make it right, God.

Moved

2009-11-05T11:57:00.000-08:00

When I was home last weekend, my mom saved these coupon things for the Belmont Farmers Market for me so I could get some organic product and fruit to bring back to Davis. I am always very grateful that she saves them for me when I come back instead of using them for my family (Dad, brother, and her) at home. I think sometimes you don't notice things because you get accustomed to it and you start to take it for granted. It makes me sad I do it.

Anyways, at the dinner table, my dad nonchalantly asked how P and I would feel if they (my parents) moved back to HK. We sat silent, and I could feel my stomach churn and I was uncomfortable. My mind was literally racing, trying to grasp something to say, but unable to find words to say. I wouldn't be okay with that. Because I would miss you. But after thinking that in my head, I felt selfish. So I said, "If it's what you want and that would make you happy, then I think you should do it. I'd miss you a lot and cry for probably 3 years straight, but if it's what you guys would want, then I want you to be there."

"Okay. Don't worry, On-Yee. We're just asking. It's not like we're doing it any time soon. It's just an idea. It might not even go through. We just wanted to see how you felt about it."

That night, I thought about it in bed. And I think maybe my parents made the ultimate sacrifice for P and I moving here to start a family because I'm not sure they want to spend the rest of their lives here (since they seemed to want to go back). They worked hard, raised us well, taught us well... and maybe it's time for them to relax and finally reap what they have spent 21 years sowing.

I hope I make my parents proud. I really do. I never really say it, but I'm proud to have them as my parents. Boo... I'm crying now. So I will stop blogging.

AOL

Teaching with a GRAND SLAM.

2009-11-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago, JP came up to me and asked if his book cover was "good enough" to be turned in. JP likes baseball, so I looked at him and said,

"I want your BEST, not your "good enough".
You don't only try to run to first base and ask 'Is this good enough?', do you?
You want that homerun, right?
I need you to try to hit it outta the park for me, JP.
Every. Single. Time."

...and he did. Hell, he hit a GRAND SLAM. :)

God, I can't carry this load-- YOUR load.

2009-11-03T13:35:00.000-08:00

Umm guys? I think I need a little help here..

I read a story somewhere, but I forget where. In a devotional or a book, but it was about BURDENS. I know I won't get the story exactly right with all the details, but this is the gist of it:

God asks a man to carry a bag of pebbles for him to the top of a mountain with his wagon. He says "Yes," and goes about pulling his wagon with God's bag of pebbles. On the way up, this man crosses paths with others who ask him to help carry their rocks and boulders up the mountain since he was going there anyways. The man puts all those in his little wagon and keeps pulling up, but as he continues harder, he gets more tired and the wagon gets heavier. Finally, he stops, and says "This is too heavy. I can't bring it to the top. I can't carry this load!!!"

God asks him "Why are you carrying all these other rocks and boulders?"
The man replies, "Because you told me to."
God tells him: "But I have only asked you to carry my bag of pebbles."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I read this, I literally thought to myself: SH-T. That's ME. The spitting image of me!!! But I didn't know what exactly people meant when people would tell me that I am "too nice" and that I don't look out for myself... but this story really spoke to me.

God has us carry a load that he knows we can handle. He doesn't ask for us to take on everyone's burdens. He asks us to carry the one He has chosen for us to bear.

I've always been the person to think "if I am capable to help someone and I have the time, then I will do it." EVEN when I don't want to. I keep thinking that I need to practice being a steward by being loving and kind to others. But over time, I started to become a person who would do everything and anything. I carry the burdens of everyone around me and like the man in the story, I would crumble saying to God, "I can't carry this load anymore-- YOUR load. The load YOU are asking me to carry."

But like He said to the man, He gently (and sometimes not) nudges me reminding me that my purpose is NOT to carry everyone's burden. And it is also NOT okay for everyone else to put their burdens on me as well, but my fault lies in that I allow others to do so as well by not setting a line or boundaries. I know what to do to change and I'm working on it. :)

What about you?
Do you (as I do) carry the burden or burdens
that you have not been called to carry?

AOL

Dwindled to A Life of Boring

2009-11-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

I think I'm going to try to blog every day on this until the end of the year. Maybe something small that happened in my day that is worthy of spotlight. A profound thought. A random tidbit.

I went to Shields Lab this morning at 9am and while I was typing, some Filipino guy sat down next to me on my left. He went to print something and pick up his paper, then upon coming back, he grabbed at his mouse. I saw the mouse pointer on my screen flying around like crazy, and I turned my head to the left and looked down, and then back up at his face. He was SO CONFUSED, but when he saw that I looked down at his hand, he had an embarrassed smirk on his face, and he said, "Oops. HAHAHA." We both laughed and he reached for his mouse and I, mine.

...I use the computer mouse with my left hand, if that helps you understand what happened any better. HAHA
It was the first time in college/grad school that this has ever happened!

AOL

How often do you...

2009-10-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

"Real loss only occurs when you lose something
that you love more than yourself."
- Anonymous.

I'm realizing there is a greater frustration and sadness in loss... more than simply losing car keys.

I love those things, those memories, those people more than myself, and loss is not nostalgia or recollections. Loss is loss, cousin of grief, brother of sorrow.

The American Dream or What's Left of It.

2009-10-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

ON WRITING
When publishing a piece of written work, there is an insurmountable awareness of vulnerability. You are sharing your thoughts, ideas, and opinion to some extent with the rest of the online world. You are showcasing your writing style and ability, or sometimes lack thereof. The act of writing up a huge post and actually deciding it is worthy of a mouse click of "Publish Post" is actually a big deal for someone like me. I say that because I probably spend a good 2 hours a day (at LEAST) writing in my journal or my blogs.

I find that I had so much that I think about that I end up feeling bogged down, indecisive on what I actually want to talk about. But the act of writing to just get it out of my mind is something that is crucial to my productivity and sanity. If I have too much in my noggin, I simply struggle with concentrating. Writing definitely helps me streamline/organize my thoughts and helps me blow off steam. Once it's written about, it's done... until tomorrow.

THE AMERICAN DREAM
What troubles me is how years ago, college was a privilege for many, and yet today, it's become a standard. Graduate school is becoming a standard. Actually, what troubles me about that startling observation, is that people are more likely to go for college and graduate school because they feel they HAVE to in order to make it in the real world.

As a person who personally LOVES school, I don't mind, but trying to grasp how someone who dislikes school would feel, I imagine that they feel like its an automatic extension of school (and not in a good form, like an extension for a paper). That means in school for longer and for more years.

But why is it that there is a term coined "American Dream"? Land of opportunity for many foreign countries, but as Americans, I see so many grow complacent and the riches we have lead to the label of us as "ENTITLED". We ARE entitled. I pay for a $900 rectangular BOX with thin walls and bad insulation. I drive my own car. I spent the past 5 years at a UC getting my education. I know that when I open my wallet, I not only have cash, but more than one credit card that will pay for whatever I need.

Somehow, I find a correlation between complacency and entitlement. It's as if entitlement brings on complacency. I am greatly saddened (especially as an educator) when I hear friends, acquaintances, etc. complain about college. I am disappointed when they decide to skip class and simply ask someone else for the notes. I becoming judging of character when I see shortcuts taken (yes, I am guilty of judging). I see people use their financial aid to buy expensive purses and $300 designer jeans that are material. I see people spending and not working for it. A takeover of "let's put our feet on the table, lean back, and watch the world pass us by" culture.

So we grow complacent. We are ACCLIMATED to having all these things. We want more, better, faster, stronger, easier. I lose respect for those who do the minimum and take the easy way out, shying away from dedication and hardwork. We have become too acquainted with things being handed to us, and when we don't have it served on a silver platter, we COMPLAIN. And why? Simply because we are used to no less.

Maybe if it was all taken away, then we would realize just how much we actually have. We would value education. We would see the importance of it in context of the real world. We would realize that the world works in a way that you must work hard to do well, and that there is no such thing as "easy money". We would be less smug. We would possibly revert back to altruism and realize that it's not always about US. As a matter of fact, when we act entitled and are complacent, we are far from glorifying God. We have lost the ability to be thankful and grateful for those little things that are gifts. Maybe we should start treasuring these gifts we've been given that we don't even deserve.

Many of us already live the American Dream-- we're just too blind to see it anymore.

A little bit of magic :)

2009-10-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

At 630am today it was pitch black. Waking early always makes me feel calm- what an amazing way to start a day, basking in peace. Just tunes from Corinne Bailey Rae, a cup of hot tea in my hand, walking around in baggy sweats and an XL t-shirt. Surveying my apartment every morning, I mutter little thanks to God for it because it's actually an amazing little place that I have to myself.

Got in my car and was already soaked from walking 30 feet. Thought aloud, "WOW. It's POURING!" Surprised myself and first thing that popped into my mind was, "Thanks God. :) I needed a car wash. Thanks for the free one!" I watched the sunrise while driving to work yesterday. How can such surreal colors be real?

Had a tough day at school today since it was rainy day, but I'm very thankful for Kelly as my coworker. We make a really good team, no joke. I find that my bosses/higher positioned authority from previous and current jobs seem to really like me. I'd like to think it's because I am hardworking and dedicated as well as flexible and fun. You can argue that :P K and I laugh far too much in our class- it lifts up my spirits all the time. I baked her cookies last Wednesday. She bought me a hot cup of earl grey tea yesterday. :)

Oh yes, I was writing in my own journal in the back of 4th grade class yesterday during recess, and when my students came in, they asked me why I was writing so much. I told them that it's MY own journal (they each have one for class). It was cute to see so many amazed faces as if to say, "WOW. People journal on the OWN? without a teacher telling them to???"

Came home after work and finished packing away summer clothes and took out fall/winter clothes. Time of change- I used to blow panic attacks around season changes, the new year, and my birthday. It's funny how much I've grown up in some areas and not at all in others. I embrace change now- it's the only thing I know that is constant on earth. It's been 2 years since I've felt depressed, even vaguely so. I feel like that's a part of the old me that's dead and gone. Being grateful/thankful and positive are becoming second nature to me, and it really amazes me how God works if you just ask Him to?

I bought a devotional book with my 40% coupon at Borders yesterday. It's a different one- not with a little vignette that someone else wrote. This one is more like a Read, Reflect, Live, Pray geared one, which I thought would be something worthwhile to try. It kinda takes away the writer's experiences and makes you reflect on how it applies to YOUR life and helps you think about how YOU can live it out. I like that because everyone has different life experiences anyways. People are always in different seasons and stages of life.

When it rains, snails always come out, but I never see them really otherwise. I always wonder where they come from, and if they are so slow, why don't I see them more? Do they hide in grass? In bushes and trees? They magically appear and their lives are so short lived. What do they eat?

Today, I envisioned the rain drops as angry little droplets with army boots, stomp, stomp, stomping on the roof of my car as I drove. I found myself smiling at that thought. How come life can be so magical sometimes? Why do I allow myself to lose such a great part of me? Why do I only allow it to emerge in my art work?

Am I too naive and childish? Or does magic truly exist?
I am so happy in my little magical world.
I believe in magic.
I hope you do too. :)

2009-10-10T01:53:00.001-07:00

cause there's nothing like your smile made of sun. :)
olive juice.

Belonging//Unexplained Emotions.

2009-10-08T16:04:00.000-07:00

For the past year, I've struggled with a sense of belonging, or rather, a lack there of. I think as much as people think I'm super smart that I started grad school at 20, there is a big big drawback. You know what's funny though, is that not one single person has attributed to my current place as 'Oh. You must work really hard!" It's always "Wow, you're so smart!"

I guess it's more offensive to say the former because that infers that I am dumb and have to work really hard to get where I want to be, but I think the reason why it bugs me is because I FINALLY realize that my priorities and values lie more in HARDWORK/DETERMINATION/DEDICATION than simply being SMART/INTELLIGENT/GENIUS. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm very character based, and to me, being hardworking and having good work ethics speak volumes about you as a PERSON, whereas being smart, doesn't warrant such implications. I do, though, realize that people can be both smart and hardworking. I think I am just hardworking.

In conclusion, I am very respectful to any and all people who are dedicated, passionate, determined, and hardworking. That's not to say that they are no fun.. because well, I think I can be a really fun person if I'm not buckling down for a big test or big project/assignment.

Anyhow, I feel as though being in a college town, I've seen changes in friendships, people, and even the city. I feel totally old, even though I am actually not old at all! That would be the drawback to graduating early and going to grad school at the same school you did your undergrad education in... for me, it's seeing old friendships that are tapering off into a nonexistent oblivion. I had classes with 30 people every day for a whole year in my credential program, and now we're dispersed all over California. That community we built suddenly went away, just like that.

I was talking to some friends who are also in grad school, and it seems to be a common trend that the difficulties and struggles that grad students face is definitely different than those of an undergrad. So being in a town that houses mostly undergrads, I should not expect to speak to someone and have them able to empathize with me. From an outsider's point of view, most have simply not gotten to that stage of life or experienced what I (and other grad students/working persons, etc). But once they get to that stage, they will all of a sudden understand completely "OH THATS WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT."

I wish that I had realized this earlier- the fact that when I talk to people who have never walked my path before or yet, won't completely understand or even know how to support you, even though they want to. It may be just as frustrating for THEM as it is for me because they hear what I'm saying, what to say or do something to help, but have no knowledge of how to. I honestly wish I opened my eyes to see that earlier.

And I apologize that I got so frustrated with people for not "getting" me. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I think everyone is in my boat and will understand me all the time. More often than not, it's not true. I think this is something that I always fall back into-- thinking egocentrically like a little kid, not realizing that no one person is the same, and what I find obvious, may not be to others.

That is all I would like to share with the world.

plan B, C, and D

2009-09-30T00:36:00.000-07:00

oh dear, i'm crying as i write this because it might be the most bold and courageous thing i've ever said in my life:
i'm going to let go now. of all of this. and i'm going to move on and attempt to survive while doing it.

i'm sorry. i hope you will someday understand.

"That's the risk you take if you change: that people you've been involved with won't like the new you. But other people who do will come along."

-LISA ALTHER

this is my cliff to jump.
this is goodbye.

Welcome to the MATRIX

2009-09-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

A good movie. Profound and thought provoking. It's funny how everyone remembers the Matrix movies with the slow motion physical backbends and dodging of bullets though. It was such a good movie drenched in philosophical themes (yeah, so shoot me. I was a philsophy minor in college).

There was stuff about dreams/alternate minds (brain in a vat mentality) -- Descarte, much?
Reality, human representation-- I.Kant?!

Only the tip of the iceberg, but rewatch it. There's multiple levels to this movie, which is why I enjoyed it so much.

Oh yeah, I met a guy the other day. I was having a bad day that day too, but he was such a gentleman and cheered me up. It's been a while since someone has taken the time to make sure I was smiling. He made me feel really good. :)

100th post.

2009-09-22T21:24:00.000-07:00

Baby tell the world about me
the way you won me over, in a city you can't remember
you think it was September. sweet September

Oh it's all right. I know she needs you more than I do and I wouldn't win this fight
but there is one thing that you've gotta do,
you've gotta tell the world about a girl you once knew
oh she.. wasn't meant to be

but you
fell so very deeply
in love
with me

no thanks, no love, no more.

aol.

The Asian Has Emerged, My Friends!

2009-09-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I made Asian cold noodles with peanut sauce. I put in cucumbers and chicken, just like they do at that one restaurant my family goes to.

Boil pasta and chicken. Cut cucumber. Make sauce. Toss and eat cold.

Ya'll know how food presentation is important to me, so I had to re-plate it before I ate it.

I made the peanut sesame sauce from scratch too! Ya'll know me though, I like to wing it when it comes to cooking, so I just did what I thought would taste good. I'm all about the taste trial and error!

And then I ate it up. Om nom nom nom. :)
AOL

oh dylan kenneth :(

2009-09-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

I miss my long hair. FASHO.

GROW DYLAN AND KENNETH, GROW!!!

I never really had long hair in all my college years.
Weird-- because in HS, I always had EXTREMELY long hair.

JOY.

2009-09-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

my 4th graders define the word "joy" i think. i've never had a bunch of boys who were so responsive and who don't think they're too cool for me :P

this morning, i was holding the door open for the students to go in the classroom, and some of the girls surprised me by saying "Good morning, Ms. Leung." usually, i have to initiate the greetings!

there are a few boys who never hesitate to ask me for help, in fact, always do. i find it especially funny that some will ONLY ask me for help!

today, i decided to chitchat with some of the girls in my class and they LOVEEEE to talk to me. they also love touching my necklaces and jewelry. haha, especially caitlin. :P

on a side note, i teach with my hands in my pockets. not sure why, but i just feel comfortable doing so. :|

CATHARSIS.

2009-09-15T02:10:00.000-07:00

i feel like i'm falling into a huge and infinite abyss. i'm losing it, i think. my sanity, i meant.

i feel restrained and suffocated at the same time that i feel liberated, and i cannot distinguish if this internal pain is actually painful or a sign of moving along. you know, i find that when i'm hurting inside.. all bruised and broken, i always workout hard. run harder. push myself to the point that my muscles can't take anymore. when i am dry hacking and gagging because i literally use up the oxygen in my muscles.

one time, i was angry so i drank a strong brew coffee to pump up my adrenaline and to numb myself. then i went to run. it was the fastest and hardest i've ever run in my life.. and i had so much caffeine pumping through my veins that i couldn't stop running because i didn't know i was tired.. until my legs gave out and i was throwing up like mad in the middle of the street down by dairy road. because i was running far past my threshold and my body was trying to tell me to cut it out. yeap.

because physical pain gives me a reason to feel the way i do. it validates the inner feelings, and as unhealthy as that is, it makes me feel like i'm alive.. that i'm real. sure i have a lot on my mind. i'm sure many people will tell me how bad it is for me to keep everything inside because like a balloon, i will slowly grow and then BLOW UP. agreed, but do i want to talk about it? nope. not at all. i hate talking about stuff- i hate opening up, unless i'm doing it because i can't stand it anymore.

uhh... i think i'll just work it off. sore muscles and vomiting. success.

CATHARSIS: release of pent up emotions or energy.

I HEART you.

2009-09-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

I LOVE YOU BABBBBBBBYYYY and if it's quite alright I need you baby.

I had my first 2 Masters classes on Thursday night 5-8pm and Saturday morning 9-12am. Thank GOD there's only 4 Saturday classes for this whole YEAR!

First of all, designing clothes is far easier than sewing them. After visiting Athens, Greece last year, I fell in love with the grecian style and fashion. Not done, but it's a work in progress. The color is not as... bright as this actually- the lighting is just strange.

This is the first article of clothing that I have done tedious hand work on- hand braiding, hand ruching/gathering. It's SO FRUSTRATING!! Anyways, I think I get especially frustrating because I sew freehand, no patterns. I drape on myself and use A LOT of imagination on how and where to cut the fabric.

Made vegetarian meal tonight. Alfredo with red bell pepper, broccoli, and mushrooms. It was really good. :D

Then I cut up the cantaloupe I bought for 77cents! I blended half into a juice so that I could put it into my peach green tea tomorrow morning before I go to work. Peach canteloupe green tea. Yummy. I've never tried it, but hope it tastes good!

I've also spent a good amount of time making lemon bars tonight. I make them from scratch, squeezing lemons with my bare hands!!! HAHAHA. Anyways, my hands smell lemony clean now. :] Here they are!

The time to test your baking/cooking is probably the best part. The moment of truth! Usually, it's rewarding :P

El fin! It's raining outside! Can't wait for my cup of hot tea tomorrow! Hope you had a great weekend!
AOL

Fear/Fear Not

2009-09-12T02:31:00.001-07:00

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
Matthew 6:27

The Bible mentions the phrase "Fear not" some 350 times. You'd think that the worriers of the world would take a hint from God, but no, we're kinda blind to things blatantly told to us. Like knowing we are loved and forgiven, saved and redeemed. This song. Oh, this song speaks volumes whenever I worry my little heart out:

A thousand times I’ve failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I’m caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades.
Don't worry. Fear not. It will be all right.
I will be all right.

itll be all right

2009-09-08T01:44:00.000-07:00

Had trouble getting through this weekend because getting emails from grad seminar and hearing that they have jobs, and having the stress of not knowing what i'm researching or doing my thesis on mostly because UCD SoE isn't very good at giving me a heads up on what I'm getting myself into.

I think what I'm struggling with right now is the constant comparing of myself to others in my program. I know I shouldn't care and a majority of the time, I don't. But RIGHT NOW, I'm struggling with having to compare myself to colleagues who are now "real" teachers with their own classrooms.

I think I'm a little weary of trying to find a 2nd job. It's annoying because I don't know the schedule for UCD. Is Monday/Tuesday enough for volunteering? It should be.. that's more than 4 hrs. GAH. LET ME KNOW, UCD!!!!!

After much freaking out, then working out to get it outta my system, I sat down and wrote in my journal. Now I'm blogging and I feel so much better.

I look at you
Warm in your dream
While your mobile dances above
And I think to myself
It's a beautiful night
And I know everything is gonna be alright
Yes, now I know it'll be alright

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow."
-Dorothy Thompson

aol.

There's a Life Inside

2009-09-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

At one point in my life, I believed only knowledge could bring me happiness, but the more I searched, the more it brought me sorrow. When I began to submerge myself in gratitude, I learned about contentment... and in that contentment, I have found happiness.

And yet, when we search, we cannot find.
Because it is, as it has always been, right in front of our eyes.
-aol

the asian martha stewart??

2009-09-03T00:21:00.000-07:00

4th grade: It's been going pretty well, but there's this one kid who I just can't stand. She's so disrespectful, and its appalling to me. Sigh. I want to just yell and scream at her. She's also racist, so whenever I say something, she calls on the race card, when it's NOT the case at ALL. Her bad attitude and behavior leads to the consequences I dictate. I feel horrible speaking poorly of my students, but I am truly and utterly overwhelmed and frustrated with how to deal with her. She's just not a nice girl- a BULLY.

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FOOD: I think that I am the Asian Martha Stewart. No joke. SIGH.

Made a BIG batch of pesto tonight because summer is ending, which means that produce will be more expensive since it's not in season. I bought 2 BIG bunches of basil, which cost me less than $4. Add parm, pine nuts, & OO, then tada! Pesto. It should last me at least 2 quarters if not the whole year!

I also made a ginormous batch of blueberry pancakes (with fresh blueberries!) from scratch. It was tedious, but I had to put wax paper between all the pancakes to freeze them so they wouldn't stick together because of the moisture. I think I made about 30 pancakes, so now I have a quick healthy homemade breakfast that I can pop in the toaster and eat while I head off to teach!

I also made and filled water bottles with boiled water that I cooled. I added slices of cucumber and lemons to the water and infused it so it's a really cool and refreshing twist to my water! Definitely covers the Davis tap water (even if boiled!) flavor. Cucumber ($0.99). Lemon ($1.49) Cheap and easy peasy!

I also bought fresh mint, oregano, and thyme for cooking. I washed them, pressed them dry, then put them in Ziplock bags for the coming fall/winter months. They're snug in my freezer with my blueberry pancakes and HOMEMADE MARINARA SAUCE!!

Think I migh've wrote about it already, but I put Italian sausage, button mushrooms, onions, basil, tomatoes, one can of tomato sauce/paste, and pinch of salt and pepper to taste. I made the equivalent to 2 cans of marinara. What I like about making your own, is knowing what ingredients are in it.

A small tip! To make stretch your use of marinara, invest in a small carton of heavy whipping cream for about $2. I add a little to the marinara when I actually cool a meal, and it makes a creamier and tasty PINK sauce! Really good. Don't put too much or else it gets too watery and you have to go the extra measures to reduce it. I eyeball it, so use your judgment?

I made Mushroom/Chicken Pesto w/ Rigatoni the other night. It was effin' bomb.

Lastly, tonight I made Eggplant Parmesan again. I don't use recipes, so I guess.. I can't really give you a pointer to a specific one. Basically breadcrumb the eggplant up. Fry. Drain oil. Layer with marinara, eggplant, and mozzarella cheese. Bake at 400 degrees for... I think I did 20 minutes.

I wish I had taken pictures of the blueberry pancakes. :( I'm going to make more taco salad this weekend and store it because I have leftover sour cream, cheese, and guacamole from last time that I need to finish- I don't want it to go bad! I think I'm good for the next 3 weeks as far as food goes... pesto, marinara, eggplant parm, taco salad. You can do anything with pesto and marinara, I swear. PESTO IS GOOD ON STEAK- no joke. Crepes?! Mmmm :)

Mom gave me lemons a few weeks ago that I need to use soon. I want to make those yummy lemon bars, but it's been hot hot hot lately (don't like having my oven make my apt EVEN hotter) and I'm just so BEAT TIRED after I come home from work! If not, I'll use them to freshen up my fridge and to clean :P
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I cleaned and rearranged my apartment last weekend! Organized and sorted through all my old papers and school work. I keep all that stuff, but I'm beginning to let it all go. I recycled a huge box (probably about 7 lbs) worth of papers!!!!! OMGOSH, but after that, I felt so relieved as if I had gotten rid of some huge burden or something. HAHA.

Sing a New Song

2009-09-01T00:44:00.001-07:00

"I waited patiently for the LORD to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the LORD."

—Psalm 40:1–3

In God's time. Not mine.
Allow God into your life to rock your world and He most certainly WILL.

Ulterior and Hidden

2009-08-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

"You see, we are not like the many hucksters who preach for personal profit.
We preach the word of God with sincerity and with Christ's authority, knowing that God is watching us."
—2 Corinthians 2:17

How is your character like when people are watching? But more important, how is your character like when NO ONE is looking?

i'm lost.

2009-08-29T20:18:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if this is the way things were meant to be.
How can I be so torn between two places, which lead me to appreciate neither.
I hate the "I should be there, not here" mentality.

I am lost, in an ocean.
Far away from home.

Carry me, across the sea.
To a place I've known.

And i don't like it here anymore.